Why I Can't Allow Myself To Be Human
by zackzsilverangel
Summary: A diary entry, or journey through Zack's head, ever since the escape 11 years ago. *WARNING: pretty emotional, even 4 Zack, so brace uorselves! Disclaimer: Zack, Max, Tinga, Brin and all other characters mentioned belong to Fox, James Cameron, and whoeva


Why I Can Never Allow Myself To Be Human

Why I Can Never Allow Myself To Be Human

11 years ago, that's when it all started,

I promised them, all of them, that it was my job to protect them,

It's a promise that I still struggle to fulfill today, 11 years later,

We planned to escape that night, I gave strict orders to them to split up once we got out, Then, as we broke free from the guards holding us prisoner in the training room, We ran out into the hallway, where we were faced with immediate confrontation, with HIM, Yes, him, Lydecker, something I got used to doing over these last 11 years on the run. Eva stood out in front of us, brave courageous Eva, holding a gun, trying to protect us all, and he shot her, Yeah, that bastard shot her, I promised them that I'd protect them, but, I couldn't even protect Eva!! What kind of a leader does that make me?? What kind of a older brother does that make me??

Immediately, afterwards, I began to have doubts, about whether we'd make it out alive, not that I'd tell the others that, I was the one who told them never to have self-doubt, because it's just another emotion, emotion that none of us could afford, After Eva was shot, we immediately busted down the barrier of guards, and jumped out the window, we all rolled in the snow, and started running. They had the choppers after us, and afterwards, I gathered up my 11 "siblings" and gave them strict orders to split up, and which directions to go in. I could feel Max's eyes burning into my head, and she stared at me, like, like she wanted comfort. I couldn't give her that, because it was just another trap. We split up in different directions, I sent the others away, and I remember Max and Jondy, trying to follow me and Zhane out, but, I ordered them to leave. Shortly after, I shoved Zhane away into the trees, when the guards approached and had me shocked with a phaser gun. Max, Jondy, Zhane and the others escaped, but I was brought back there. 

Two months later, I broke out . Then, I began looking for my "siblings" who escaped. I ran into Krit in Minneapolis. I gave him my contact number, so he could call if Lydecker was in the area. Then, I went in search of the others. Slowly, but, surely I located the locations of my 10 other "siblings." Over the years, I've managed to keep an eye on all of them, without them knowing. But, if any of them happened to be in any trouble, I was there to help. I swore to myself, that I wouldn't let them down, the way I did Eva. Eva's dead instead of free because of me, and because of my failure to keep her safe. I still remember the my first morning as a free man. I sat on top of the Empire State Building, watching the sun rise. And it amazed me, to see people driving their cars, talking on phones, and walking on the street. People, but, the enemy nonetheless. Lydecker had taught us to trust no one, and I didn't intend to start. I breathed in the fresh air, and started to search for them. Eight months ago, I almost blew it. I was keeping a close eye on Max in Seattle, and in order to make sure she was okay, I took at job @ Jam Pony, the courier service that she works at, underthat moron of a boss of hers. Then, I killed Volgofsang when I found out he was making deals with Lydecker, to compromise Max's freedom. But, then, Max found me out. That, wheelchair computer whiz, Logan, found my address, and Max went to go check it out. When she found who I was, she looked like she wanted to cry. God, this was the exact thing I wanted to avoid. I always said to myself 'Emotion is a phony sentimentality' Why?? because emotion will just get you killed. Why?? because if you're too busy worrying about the safety of someone you care about, you, yourself, will get killed. I can't allow myself to feel anything, because I'd be compromising the safety of my "siblings". And, I can't allow them to feel anything either, because they'd also be compromising our lives. Just one of the reasons as to why I can't allow myself to human, and slip up.

Anyway, Max pressed me about the others, and I told her, that the less she knew about the others, was better. She looked at me like I was crazy. She started crying, and then she said that they were her family. I told her that they were soldiers, and couldn't be afforded to cut some slack, because it would kill them. Then, a few months later, I turned to Max for help because Brin had been captured by Lydecker. I was pissed as hell, to learn that my younger sister, had confided in a man by the name of Logan Cale, otherwise known as "Eyes Only." I told Max that he was a liability, and would just get her killed. She told me, that he'd be able to find out where Brin was being held. In the end, though, we discovered that Brin was dying of a disease, that caused accelerated aging, and we sent her back to Lydecker. I left soon after, just to keep my distance, and to figure out how to rid ourselves of Lydecker forever. 

Later on, when I was back in town, two months ago, I noticed that there were posters of Max up, claiming that she had killed three people in the last week. Truth, was that I killed those people, because they were getting too close. I cleared Max's name by turning myself in. We talked for awhile before I did. I told her about how I felt right after I escaped, and watched my first sunrise. I really thought that she was finally doing the right thing, leaving Seattle and Lydecker behind forever. But, then her emotions got in the way, and she went back to Logan, because he was having some trouble. I tried to stop her, but, I knew she was stubborn, so a result, she didn't listen to me. I went to turn myself in, I did it for her. Just the way I'd do for any of my siblings. I was again captured and brought back there. This time after I escaped, I called Max, to help me hide.

It was because of my big mouth, my big mouth, that caused my "siblings" to uproot from their safe havens, and move. I told Max the very thing I swore that I wouldn't tell: Where the others were and how they were doing. Zhane and Jondy took off immediately after Logan sent the message out. But, Tinga needed help. I was there for her, even though I failed her to begin with, because I opened my mouth. Then Tinga and I left Seattle behind. I know she was confused when Max didn't go with us, and I ordered her not to offer. But, she didn't know what went down, and it's best if it stays that way. 

So, here I am, on the run again. I brought Tinga to Denver, gave her money and my number, and sent her away. I'm alone now. But, I've always been alone, I shouldn't mind. But, the irritating thing is that I do. I do mind being alone. I think it's because I've been seeing Max so often, after years of not coming in contact. It makes me weak. I know I've berated Max for being weak. But, even I have my moments of weakness. I hate being weak. Lydecker preys on the weak. I'm letting my emotions get in the way of protecting, and helping my brothers and sisters. And I can't do that, because my screw-ups, it'll just endanger them all. 

I remember what it was like inside that place. Everyone's been telling me to put it behind me. How can I when I've been captured twice in the last 11 years, and I still have a baby sister in there, who's waiting for her big brother to break her out of there. No, I can't forget it, as much as I want to, because it's a part of who I am. The seizures, and especially this barcode on my neck, proves it. I remember being afraid, very afraid of what they were going to the youngest ones of us. Not just Brin, but, Kal and Dal too. That's another emotion I hate. Guilt. It's my fault that Eva's dead, but, it's also my fault that Kal, Dal, Jordan, and the rest of them didn't make it out. I wish I could've protected them all. The other emotion I tolerate is anger, because in our situations, it works for you, not against you. I remember feeling physically, and emotionally drained, because they shot me up with God knows what, and tried to force me to talk. I didn't of course, but, I didn't know how much longer I could hold on for. I forced myself not to give up, because I knew that those of us who were free still depended on me. So, I hung on, and it's the only reason I'm still alive. My determination to keep them alive, and make sure Lydecker rots in hell for what he did. 

There's several reasons, I can't allow myself to lead a normal life, and to feel things, like fear, and love, like a normal human being. None of us who were created by Lydecker, are normal. Number one, why bother having a normal life?? We always have to be on the run, living every day in fear, watching every move of every person that passes by you on the street. That's no way to live. But, we have no choice, because it's either that, or die. Because, that's the only way to ensure that we live to see another day. Number two, getting involved with people is unacceptable. They wouldn't be able to defend themselves, and that means that they are just liabilites, because they could be used as bait, to lure one of us out of hiding, and give up. Number three, telling anyone is completely out of the question. They would just betray you, and you'd be captured. Those are my reasons as to why I can't ever allow myself to be human. "Emotion is a phony sentimentality" is the motto I've been going with for years, and I'm going to keep going with it. Because it's the truth and emotion will only get you killed. I can't, and never will be human. I won't allow it.


End file.
